I usually try to keep this blog light. And by light, I mean frivolous,
pointless, full of profanity, and lots of ridiculous photos modified in
MS Paint. (Don't mock, I'm using a PC and have no apps. Also? I suck at
art).
But this post is extremely serious.
An issue far too close to home, literally and figuratively, has shocked
and saddened me, along with most of the world aware of it. I have been
losing sleep over it. So I figured I would take to the blog to vent and
decompress a little.
For those of you who aren't aware of the suicide of a 15 year old girl named Amanda Todd, you can read about her heartbreaking experience and tragic early death here. You can also view the video cry for help that she posted on YouTube here, one month before she took her own life.
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| This post is for 15 year old Amanda Todd, who took her own life in Port Coquitlam, BC. (Image credit: Facebook) |
I am furious. Furious that no one could help her. Furious that kids are
that cruel. Furious that some sick bastard lured her into trusting him
and then would not cease humiliating her. And furious that all kinds of
school board members and politicians are making heartfelt statements
about bullying being a community issue that should be stopped... without
any real plan, course of action, or tangible solution for kids
experiencing this.
Solutions suggested thus far? Talk to your parents. Talk to a counsellor. Seek help.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Because that will stop the asshole kids who taunt, name call, harass,
humiliate, follow, shout out, circle, threaten, assault, and terrorize
victims.
Think I sound harsh? Think I am only referring to extreme cases? I am
not. If you were lucky enough to escape bullying in your youth, you are
one exception to this.
Why am I so very extremely furious? Because I was in her shoes 22 years
ago, and I continued to wear them until after my sister was married. Yet
without the proliferation and immediate humiliation of social media,
which only makes things exponentially worse.
My personal hell started in grade 5 or so. I held hands with a boy two
years older than me. That is when I recall the worst of the torment
starting. I was called a slut, a whore, a hooker. I had groups of girls
who would walk around me in a circle, yell obscene things at me, and
tell me I was a worthless piece of shit.
I WAS TEN YEARS OLD.
TEN GODDAMNED YEARS OLD.
Wash, rinse, repeat. It didn't matter if I was kind, or quiet, or
crying. It didn't matter if I ignored them, pretended I couldn't hear
them. It didn't matter if I ignored the boys who liked me, or if I
played terribly in gym class. Didn't matter if I made the volleyball
team, found excuses to not go outside at lunch or if I didn't go out
socially.
Back then the biggest technological advance was three-way calling, in
which you could be convinced to share something personal only to find
out that your crush, or your enemy, was listening on the line the entire
time. But then, the worst was through word-of-mouth, and I dreaded
getting on the country school bus the next day. It wasn't broadcast
instantly to hundreds of others via Facebook. The thought makes me
shudder.
I know, and I think that you will agree, that most kids just have a
deep, deep desire to be accepted. To be "one of the group", and to feel
like they have a place to belong. If kids reject you, you try to make
friends with other people. You try to find your place. The place where
you can be yourself without being torn to shreds and left in tears. You
try to find even one friend who will let you feel like you are not alone
in this world.
Amanda Todd did just that. She was trying to meet people. She chatted
online with others. And being young, unaware and impressionable, when
someone showed her that friendliness and acceptance, I imagine that
Amanda felt a huge weight lifted off - a huge relief to finally connect
with another person. She found solidarity and someone who was kind and
complimentary to her.
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| Amanda M. Todd died October 10, 2012. (Image Credit: Facebook) |
How could she have known, at 12 years old, that the sick f*ck on the
other end of the chat was a man looking to destroy her sense of self
worth?
Amanda Todd trusted her new friend, and in a moment of youthful
indiscretion - a moment that she could not have begun to comprehend what
possible consequences would be involved - she did something risky and
"big girl" and she flashed her webcam as asked.
Before you say "Amanda should have known better, she should never have
done that, she didn't know who it was, or what they could do with the
image", I'd like you to ask yourself the differences between your jaded,
aware adult brain (aware of the evil that some people are capable of in
this world) and what your mind was thinking of at the age of 12. My
guess is that the two are very different, and that the 12 year old you
was simply seeking the connection, acceptance and compliments of that
seemingly kind person on the other end of the chat.
People keep talking about how she "made mistakes" but shouldn't have to
pay for them for the rest of her life. But I take that even a step
further. She was twelve years old. She likely had no idea that those few
seconds in time could last the last three years of her life. Her
tormented, lonely life.
Amanda Todd was having an online chat. She wasn't drinking and driving.
She wasn't shoplifting. Amanda had fleeting seconds that changed things
forever. If it was a normal person on the opposite end of her chat, it
would have been a non-issue. It wouldn't be considered a mistake. The
moment would have passed and she may have realized she didn't want to do
something like that again. In the moment she was being a kid - having
fun, trying to be accepted, trying to please. It is only because the
twisted idiot that she was chatting with turned it into a disgusting,
life changing moment for her. So was it really her mistake? She had no
control over what the bastard did with her image after the fact. The
blame lies with the harasser, people.
When Amanda didn't provide more graphic content to the harasser, he
threatened to share the image with the world. And he did. And the police
were called once her exposure was shared with her teachers and friends.
And her life would never, ever be the same again.
I remember watching a movie recently where the starlet was accused of
sleeping around the school. It was entirely false, but the entire school
was made aware within a short period of time. I commented to my husband
how horrible bullying and harassment must be today in school, with
people being able to simultaneously take your photo or video, upload it
online, and share it via Facebook, Twitter and email.
Remember when you tripped in the cafeteria and landed face down in your
chocolate milk in grade nine? People laughed, kids pointed, you were
called a dumb klutz, someone might have even kicked you when you were
down. You may have endured teasing for the week, or a few weeks. But you
were never immortalized at once on social media sites for the entire
world to see.
And we aren't talking chocolate milk here. We are essentially talking
what comes down to some sick pervert posting and circulating a version
of child pornography with the world. With malicious and cruel intent.
My personal torment continued into high school. When I wouldn't sleep
with my boyfriend at the time, Jay C., I was subjected to being called a
"tight bitch", baby, suck, and was told I would die with a tight p**sy.
His ex girlfriend Tina, her friend Tammy, his friend Curt, and himself,
decided to shout this to me regularly around the door to the school
cafeteria.
And this was after months of being followed by Tina and Tammy, with them
waiting and staring at me outside my geography class door. I used to
feel sick knowing I had no choice but to walk by them to get to my next
class. They used to bark at me. Because I was a female dog, a bitch. I
assume she was mad that I was dating her ex.
It became so severe and so consuming, I eventually had to drop out for a
semester, even though I was on track to graduate a year early. I was
being constantly followed in the halls, yelled at, threatened, being
told in the same breath that I was a slut and that I was tight. That I
was a bitch and that I was a goody two-shoes. It was relentless.
And this was before digital cameras, webcams, hell, even scanners. I
have to thank goodness that it wasn't worse than it was, which is really
saying something.
Amanda Todd STILL persevered throughout this. She changed schools,
twice. It haunted her and followed her no matter where she went. It
wasn't just the harasser from the webcam. It was her classmates, people
who claimed to like her/be into her/be her friends. Her Mom tried to
find help for her. She saw doctors. She was "referred to services".
You know what? IT DIDN'T HELP.
You know why? BECAUSE THE BULLYING DIDN'T STOP.
If you have had traumatic events in your life, you never forget them.
Depending on the severity of the traumas, a person can be plagued with
flashbacks, intrusive dreams or thoughts, general anxiety, fear,
constant vigilance, depression and low-to-non-existent self esteem and
feelings of no self worth.
But if they happen, and they stop, you can try to talk through the pain
and the hurt and take medication and do your best to survive through it.
I've been through some horrible, horrible things that I haven't shared
on this blog, but may some day. I still cry about them to this day. And I
stumble and struggle and muster through my life as an adult, still not
sure how to cope with some of it.
Amanda Todd tried to cope with this from age 12 to 15.
You tell me how the hell A CHILD can make sense of something like this.
I had to stand and testify at 16 years of age. I had the support of my
parents, my sister, and I sat there wanting to just die and never have
to think again.
Somehow, we got through it. Somehow.
Amanda was dealing with such torment on such a massive scale, and she
tried to get away from it. She moved schools, she moved out of her city,
she could never get away.
Amanda Todd's suffering was inescapable, because no matter what
medications, therapies, counselling or support that could have been
offered to her - no matter the amount of love from her family, or those
who were as close to friends as she had - the harassment never stopped.
If, for some reason, you are a teenager, or a young adult, or adult
reading this who is experiencing such torment - please know that ONE DAY
it will stop, even if it means changing your name completely and moving
to another province, state or country. Even if it means adopting an
entirely different email address, cutting off communication with people
from your old life, and deleting any and all Facebook, YouTube or
Twitter accounts. YOU CAN ESCAPE IT, even if it seems impossible.
But this is where I am also furious.
It's damn hard, and the effects run deep.
The elementary school where I was followed, circled, and threatened to
be stabbed at the end of the school year? Yeah, they had a "zero
tolerance" policy for bullying. The girl threatening to kill me, Tricia
G*****s, was part of the "troubled child" part of our school. They got
to play video games and go bowling because they "had issues". I got to
cry myself to sleep at night and live in fear at school.
That's a really clutch policy there.
The high school where my friend was beaten and had her head slammed into
ceramic tile? The one where I was shoved, barked at, humiliated and
followed? Well, P.J. also had a zero tolerance policy. Even on the
stand, when I testified at my friend's trial about the abuse she
suffered, one of the school counsellors, Pam B., managed to quote the
wrong date on the stand and essentially throw both her and our testimony
into question. Nothing was ever done. The tormenting didn't stop, until
those bullies left school, and then finally when I got the hell out and
went to college in another city.
You can make all the committees you want, school board. You can have a
compendium on bullying and vow that the community needs to step in. You
can have think tanks about what services should be available to
students.
IT'S ALL BULLSHIT.
Why?
Because the very thing that needs to be changed is ALLOWING THE BULLIES TO KEEP BULLYING.
I talked my face off through my experience. My mom listened to tears and
worry and sadness for days on end. My dad tried to step in and tell a
few to stop or else we would pursue things through police. I had
counselling, I talked to doctors, I was medicated.
IT ONLY CHANGED ONCE THE BULLIES WERE REMOVED FROM MY LIFE.
So while I would be pissed off if the community didn't respond with some
kind of strategy to improve things, it ultimately comes down to the
fact that TALK IS CHEAP.
I wish they could start implementing mandatory reporting from
classmates, surveillance on the school ground, strict expulsion for
students who bully, kids who monitor for such activity in case the
bullies corroborate each others' stories and claim innocence, and strict
legal and criminal record penalties for verbal, emotional and physical
abuse for anyone regardless if they are under 18.
But you know what? Then the bullies wait until kids like Amanda Todd are
off school property and are walking home. Or until they are on the city
bus, or at the mall. Or they take to the internet, where there appears
to be no goddamn consequences or follow up to online harassment.
THERE NEEDS TO BE SERIOUS, LEGAL CONSEQUENCES FOR BULLIES. If this were
adults tormenting each other with hurled insults, stalking and
threatening emails, it would be taken slightly more seriously.
But yet the burden of proof still lies with the victim.
Our justice system is warped. Victims are being further victimized.
When I was 15 and trusted an older guy who seemed to like and accept me,
I was victimized. I even went to trial. I sat on the stand and had to
detail every last humiliating detail.
You know what happened?
He got 3 months of house arrest, and the local paper cut me to shreds.
It's bullshit.
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| Amanda, I'm so sorry that you endured this and that no one could stop the bullying. (Image Credit: YouTube) |
I am so sorry you had to endure this hatred, this evil, Amanda Todd. I
wish that you didn't take your own life, as do the GOOD people of Port
Coquitlam, Coquitlam, Port Moody, Burnaby, Vancouver, and the rest of
the people who have a heart and a soul in this world.
I hope that you may rest in peace finally, since there is no way for us
to help you now. I wish we could get you back and help you escape it and
make the bad guys pay for all they have done. I hope that something,
anything, positive can come of this, since we can't get you back, but
the world has noticed how insane things were allowed to get, with
nothing being done.
I hope that your sad, early, unnecessary death will help others out
there hang on a little longer, be able to find others experiencing the
same, and be able to survive the torment.
Amanda Todd didn't deserve this.
Something big needs to change.
